LiLo,

It was in Parent Trap that I first saw you.

I was already obsessed with Mary-Kate and Ashley, but you were something new.

I was surprised to find out that you weren’t a twin.

Even though I am freaked out by freckles, I accepted it on your skin.

Mean Girls is what I look to for spiritual guidance.

Freaky Friday had some moral substance.

You dated Wilmer Valderama,

But then he dumped you and you ran to your mama.

We all know she is a bad influence that Orange Oprah,

But nothing’s worse than Paris and Nicole who stung you like a cobra.

Your drug habits got the best of you.

How your love for cocaine and alcohol grew.

After the first few mishaps, I didn’t judge.

But then you kept screwing up, what the fudge?

I won’t lie, but Georgia Rule was pretty good.

But damnit Lindsay, you stopped liking wood.

You and Samantha were cute.

When I saw Samantha, I thought she was hott too.

You look like you would be a lot of fun to hang out with.

Secrets? I promise I would plead the fifth.

I don’t know what your fascination is with the cops.

Can you please avoid getting in trouble? Just stop.

Yes, I love the outfits you wear to court.

I so wish I was there for moral support.

You fascinate me for the wrong reasons.

However, I grew up and it’s time for you to surpass the cocaine season.

I am not sure what happened to your face.

Botox? Collagen? Whatever it is, it’s a waste.

You look weird now, and I hate to say it.

Rehab isn’t working, girl you just gotta straight quit it.

There are times I post on my wall,

Looking for where you are.

Then I turn on TMZ, and there you are,

In back of another cop car.

LiLo, you were in the first blog I ever wrote.

It’s time to straightin’ up. That’s my vote.

Your hair is frail, your skin is loose,

You are a fan of substance abuse.

But if I believe in you and so does Charlie Sheen,

You should start acting your age, and not like you’re eighteen.

I like you orange and red,

But I would be sad if you were dead.

So take this poem dear to your heart.

Cause you were once talented and it’s time to restart.

P.S. Oh yeah, Liz & Dick doesn’t count.

Before accepting, take the screenplay into account.