Things I do:
- Work full-time (Nothing out of the norm. It’s expected when you are 27.)
- I own my own fashion line;
- I teach art on the side;
- Keep up with my social life.
Things that I have to deal with:
- My younger sister’s newly diagnosed illness, NMO;
- My mother’s psyche with having her youngest daughter ill;
- On top of keeping my sanity with everything that I do.
If you are wondering why I am making lists, it is because recently it became apparent how petty things can really irk me the wrong way with everything I have to deal with. You know when you think about something over and over again, letting it sink in more, and then you realize how angry you actually are. That is exactly what is happening. And it takes me back to the feeling that I have avoided for many years.
As messed up as this sounds, years ago I would find pleasure in ruining someone’s life after they crossed me. It was very high school and very immature, not to mention a lot of effort to do. At college, I changed, but I knew that I had it in me to be destructive. I’ve done my fair share of “mean girls” antics, but that is not me… anymore.
After college, you figure that those you are friends with are now your lifetime friends. And just like relationships, friendships have their share of issues that you run into. It’s literally the matter of if you want to deal with that. It is no secret I am a very blunt person, and some can respect that, others can’t. I have accepted that I have a no BS personality, so it doesn’t surprise me when people feel “angst” around me. But that’s really not something I can worry about or change. I have been this way since the beginning of time. The true test; who is worthy of staying friends with, regardless of all the ups and downs?
On top of everything I do, I really do not have time for pettiness. I try to keep my stress levels at a low with meditation and get rid of bad energy at the same time. And the other way I disregard such energy is leaving behind people who provide such vibes. When that happens, I feel no remorse because in the end it is the best to avoid this side of me that is dying to come out.
Now back to the title. Some recent events happened where I was involved with an honest mistake and unfortunately for me, it included someone that I considered no longer a friend. Of course, this mishap was looked as intentional by some. Understood because of my previous version of myself. I apologized where it was due, and thought that it would be looked passed after some time. If I actually described the events, it will seem so petty compared to the actual stuff I have to deal with day-to-day. Nonetheless, it became bigger than it needed to be by the efforts of others. It’s okay. The best part of it all is that if I really wanted to intentionally hurt someone; one, I would need to actually care about the person, let it be like or dislike; and two, it would have been something more than what happened on that day.
The apology wasn’t accepted. Expected friends took sides without talking to me because they claimed that it is something I would do. Any self-respecting person would realize that it had nothing to do with anyone else and would not get involved. But I get it. To them, I played Bain in this scenario, and she played Albert and needed Batman and Robin to help her. I am a strong person and have a lot of people in my life that is worth continuing a relationship where they have no ill will towards me or think less of me. But that’s not what irritates me. Not the least bit. Friendships run their course. And in the end, it is ultimately my choice if I feel the need to recover them.
Why am I so angry? Because the boyfriend of the “victim” in this situation contacted me. At first, I didn’t bother to really read it. Just thought it was weird that a man would become involved with issues between women, in this case girls. I skimmed through it and replied while biting my tongue. Some of my friends thought I shouldn’t have replied, but I just thought I could kill him with kindness. And then his response was nothing more than trying to save his and his girlfriend’s reputation, even though he repeatedly said that his girlfriend did not know about it. I didn’t give it a thought throughout the day. But then, you are at home and it’s always a bad idea to rehash certain situations. After discussing this with a few of my friends, they kept referring to the fact that he literally threatened me. I obviously missed that part. I think if i thoroughly read through the passage he sent before sending my response, it wouldn’t have been so nice.
Telling me that being a girl saved me “from actions that would be detrimental to my health” really didn’t sit well with me. I was surprised at his vocabulary because at the same token, he referred to Kate Gosselin’s vagina claiming I probably apologize as much as “she keeps her legs closed”. Ummm, she had eight kids with one man. She also had C-sections, so unfortunately for him, this reference made no sense. His less-than-a-penis threat kept marinating, and that feeling of ruining someone’s life kept coming over my body. One that I tried to get rid of many times before. Of course, with some guidance from the positive people in my life, I chose to use be the better person (aside from this). But at this point, I have nothing to lose. Will I be friends with these people ever in my life? No. The friends that made this about choosing sides; good riddance. The friends that have decided not to take part in this; thank you and I have mad respect. And my sister and friends who reassured me that I am not a bad person as some like to believe, yet a good friend; thank you but I am not a fan of threats and here to warn you that my inner beast is at the edge of coming out.
Unfortunately for the person who made these threats, I will always have record of it and will use it when I need it the most. Rest assure, it will be used. I’m back bitches and don’t plan holding anything back.
On aside:: I recently came across this artist. He is from Philly and has a swag with great lyrics. Logic. Enjoy!