Epic Failure

I usually get what I want by working hard in achieving it. That being said, I knew that my next task was going to be beyond challenging. I have to take in account that people have feelings I have to recognize and consider.

As explained in my previous blog, I have become quite infatuated with the character, Christian Grey, and want a guy with his stature. Well, that was what I was trying to do this weekend. When I say I want someone like him, that doesn’t mean I am looking for Mr. Money Bucks. More, I am looking for someone who can carry themselves and be able to control the situation.

My newest Christian Grey:

Here I am; Friday night, ready to find a nice man piece. I feel like New York City would be the best bet for me to find anything remotely like Christian. Well, it started out terribly. I am infamous for being late. I couldn’t afford to miss the 7:20 train into the city because it was the only express train. The ones following were 1 1/2hrs. I was working in a timely fashion. Accurately calculating my every move. I have a good 20 minutes to go to the train station which is about a 5-minute drive. I get there, park and walk towards the ticketing kiosk. I turn the corner to find a long line for the tickets. There were two kiosks but one happened to be frozen. Just my luck! I then proceeded to the line. Of course, the train was coming and I was in a panic. The conductor says to get on the train and we’ll handle it. As usual, I didn’t have cash and I thought it was the right thing to do; to tell them I didn’t have cash because I know what is expected. Well, long story short, I am in six inch heels going back to the car, livid.

I am fairly new to the neighborhood and I have no clue on the train stops of that line. I ended up at a train stop where I would have to change trains and I was about 1 1/2 hour off schedule. Finally, after guzzling down my road drink, I met up with Jenny. We are off to our first destination. We have a few drinks at our friend’s apartment and then go to Lair.

Red Scarf Man

Now, in my head, I know what I want. I know what I am looking for. I am having a good time. Dancing and drinking at our table. I go outside to join the rest, and I meet this guy. Wearing 6 inch heels makes me about 5’9 so it’s always a good thing when I have to look up to talk to them. This guy was nicely dressed, bald (but the good kind), and was wearing a red scarf. After having a few drinks, I walked up to him and started chatting it up. Apparently, he was an agent and there to promote one of his “actor” clients. He was confident, well-spoken and very good looking. The reason I was so chummy with him was because I thought he was gay. I introduced him to my friend who I was there with (he is gay), and tried to hook it up. He tells me that he isn’t gay and that he shouldn’t have worn the scarf. DOH! Well, that definitely didn’t help, or maybe the fact his name was Courtney threw me off. I was drinking some strange Kool-Aid because I gave him my number. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I thought that I can help him realize he is gay.

The Doorman

While at our table, we were pouring drinks, talking and dancing. From the corner of my eye, I see this guy with glasses slowly making his way over. I try not to think anything of it. I turn around to talk to some people and I turn back around to find the glasses wearing guy standing next to me. Again, I am 5’9 this night, and I had to look down to talk to him. I’ll give him props for having the balls to come up to me. Usually, if I find no interest in you, whether male or female, I zone out. He tells me his name. (A few days later, he tells me his name again because I wasn’t listening the first time via text. It’s Isiah… that’s a no-go, especially for a girl who doesn’t believe in religion–Christian is an exception, that’s a hot name). He asks me if he can get me a drink. I kindly declined being that we had a bottle, and it’s good thing I did because his next line killed me. He goes, “I know that I have no chance with you, but if you get to know me you’ll find I am what you are looking for…” Girls would love to hear that, however not the second part; Isiah continues, “I’m a doorman…” Why? Why would you tell me that? Yes, he was short, not my type at all but he killed it by telling me he is a doorman. Thankfully, I was asked to the dancefloor and avoided my reaction to be seen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not that shallow. Confidence is key, perhaps that why I talked to him, but why tell me you are a doorman. Well after a few more drinks, he found me again and took my phone and exchanged numbers. I didn’t remember that happened until I got a text from him the following day. As for amusement, I asked him to send me a picture of himself, and he sent a picture of him in his doorman gear with a horrible facial expression. Why do guys not know how to woo a girl anymore?

Tongue Attack

At Lair, Jenny and I didn’t have much luck in finding our Christians. So we decided to do what we do best: go dancing at the gay clubs. I walk in, and I immediately start talking to this cute gay. We hit it off immediately, and he buys me a drink. I completely lose Jenny and our other friend. After a conversation, I decide to go find them. I couldn’t find them anywhere. Naturally, I started talking to the bouncers and became best friends with him. I literally was by myself for a long period of time and then, out of no where, this guy is in my face. He was like, “Hey, I’m not gay.” Immediately, I questioned why he was at a gay club. He said his friends dragged him there. As I try to walk away, he sticks his tongue down my throat. GROSS! I pushed him away and was gasping for air. Not only was I unimpressed by his skills, but I was more disgusted with the fact that he tried to cover up him being gay by raping my mouth. I was mortified and disgusted.

Ultimately, last weekend was a total bust in finding Christian. However, I don’t give up that easily!

On aside:: As you know, 50 Shades of Grey, is my newest obsession, but what’s better is the parodies that derived from this trilogy. Here are two great ones:

Funny or Die

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