Liquor on My Lips

It’s that time of year again. I love the ambiance of the holidays from the view of my bed and couch. I have an addictive personality and my biggest addiction is shopping. I find myself shopping every day. I think online shopping was the worst thing that could happen to me. However, during the holidays, I avoid the mall or any stores for that matter. People are crazy. I don’t like being rushed nor do I like impatient people.

There are some fun things to look forward to during the holidays. Decorating the house, having multiple days off of work, Starbucks Caramel Brulee Latte, Harry Potter marathons on ABC Family and my favorite… holiday parties. Recently, I changed my job. From my past posts, I explained how my previous employer throws wild parties. Don’t worry, I am going this year (as the newest member of the Plus One Club). As said before, I happen to do embarrassing things at these events. Things others would laugh about and I would face palm about.

Apparently, everyone is responsible for their plus one. Obviously, my name was specifically brought up. The thing is, I don’t make a scene like pass out or get cut off at the bar. Rather, I do embarrassing things to myself that I have to deal with. Regardless, last year I was 22. I am 23 this year and I am going to try not to get smashed because I am a year older and wiser. (TRY– the most important word in the sentence.)

I haven’t seen a lot of my friends from my past job so I am excited, but I do get updates on a regular basis.

Yesterday, they had a sexual harassment presentation. Immediately after it was over, my life assistant, Jay-D, chats me up. To catch my attention, he tells me it’s an emergency. He tells me that he thought of me the whole time that he was sitting there. Jay-D tells me that I am guilty of sexual harassment. That’s new news to me! I laughed when he told me. Jay-D named a few things that I did and how it’s consider sexual harassment. As you know, driving is where I try to get all my thinking done. I thought about all of the things that would be considered as sexual harassment.

  1. Mushroom Tats: This is highly inappropriate but I would tell my co-workers that I would give them one for whatever reason it may be. (For those who do not know what that is, Google it.) Towards the end of my days, I came up with a creative way to get the same effect as a real one. The company had an abundance worth of latex gloves. I would douse it with hand sanitizer and aim. GOL. It’s much cleaner than the real one.
  2. SB: This is short for Shelf Booty. I called one of my co-workers this, yes to her face. The funny thing is that was all I called her. Once she accepted it, we all accepted it as her name. My boss thought I called her that behind her back, but where’s the fun in that? It’s clear why I called her SB.
  3. Lap Dances: It was known who I didn’t like and who I did. I wasn’t good at hiding it either. There was one in particular. In due time I will go in more detail about this tool bag, but aside from that he shared information about his junk that one should never share. Clearly, the right people told the right person (me) because I told EVERYONE! When people would annoy me or I was in the mood to torture people, I would tell them to go sit on his lap. This one guy, who sat in my office, was the perfect victim. I would ask him everyday how his lap dance was, because everyday, when I walked in my office I found these two sitting real close to one another, sharing stories.
  4. Butt Quivers: I explained what exactly butt quivers are in past posts, but for those who forgot, let me enlighten you. Butt quivers: a silly terminology that is used when you are attracted to someone. Ex: “Whoa, I had to hold on to the wall from your butt quivers for that guy. It was 8.8 on the Richter scale.” To make things hella awkward at work, I like to pretend certain people have butt quivers for others. Through the grapevine, people pick up on it and it becomes the joke of the office. I’ve paired up quite a few people. Jenny and I use to torture our one friend. We use to say he had a pocket mirror to check out the girl’s butt from his desk.
  5. PDA: I’m not a hugger or touchy feely, but when I’m in the mood, I throw some nice hugs out there. However, I am a neck rubber. GOL. Weird? I like to creep up from the back and start giving massages for 20 seconds and then I’m over it. Jay-D thought it was NSFW (Not safe for work).

All in all, I am a very inappropriate person. From sexual harassment to torturing others, I have no filter. However, now that I don’t work there, I can’t promise what’s going to happen when I taste liquor on my lips.

Recently, I was introduced to this amazing artist, Lana del Rey. She is amazing. Her video for “Video Games” was #1 on the the Top 50 Music Video list beating out Gaga and Beyonce.

This is one of my favorite songs, “Blue Jeans.” The bottom one is “Video Games.”

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